This painting is so very dramatic but it will make sense later as to why I have posted it. And yes....I think the story is hysterical. (leftover first grade story...)It's been a great fall weekend, cool weather, playing outside, playing inside, eating out and celebrating our anniversary. (12 years together) I also spent time looking through my notes from the Aspergers seminar I went to featuring Tony Attwood. He said many great things and I was looking for things that may help me help Greyson be a little calmer and focused at school. He has just not seemed to be able to find his comfort yet this year and I am concerned he will fall behind if he keeps avoiding work when he is in class. Looking back at the notes was quite enlightening for me. It always helps to see what you have been witness to already reinforced by an expert. Tony spoke about children with Aspergers and their different characteristics. They have a compulsion for completion and have a very hard time switching tracks. They have a pathological fear of making mistakes and/or appearing stupid. Any advice given is usually perceived as criticism. In these situations the best motivators are "What would be a wise decision here?" or "What would be the intelligent thing to do?" Typical kids look for other ways to do things while Aspies are more rigid and it does not naturally occur to them to do this. You have to prompt them by saying, "What would be another way we could do this?" Aspies are acutely aware of errors and tend to withdraw, escape or try to control. They will do extreme things to avoid situations where ridicule may or does occur. (Really...first grade comes to mind here but....why relive that fun?) Their capacity for socialization is a cup compared neuro typicals who's capacity is a bucket. Their anxiety and/or sadness normally comes out as anger. So being a good detective as a parent is crucial. They cannot handle shouting or yelling because they are overly sensitive to emotional atmospheres. To change an unwanted behavior you have to appeal to their sense of logic. They need to understand and know why certain things are as they are. Confrontation makes them more emotional & tends to escalate things. The best way to handle a situation or unwanted behavior, according to Tony Attwood, is not to get emotional, don't tell them about it, give them a compliment, and then something to look forward to. They need to know clearly and visibly what you are feeling. Logic, not discipline is the key to changing their behavior. Self Reflection is a major problem for an Aspie. Ex: Parent-"Why did you do that?" Answer from them-"I don't know!" They are not being obtuse, they really don't get it. They can only cope for so long socially before they become exhausted. We have seen this in Greyson on many occasions. He can go for a while but once he has reached that point, he totally breaks down like a toddler. It's sad to see his total lack of control in that respect. An Aspie's stress is proportionate to the amount of people in the room. That is why most of them seek solitude. The best way for Greyson to calm down, is usually by being alone. Most Aspies respond to this. He seems to find peace and/or peace of mind by doing this. He can get himself centered again. (Hiding in his room, the coat closet at school, etc...)They need for us to model behavior to learn it. Modeling things like making mistakes is crucial so they see it is OK to not be perfect. It shows them that if they stay calm and try another way, or ask for help they can still succeed. Being calm is being smart. "It's the smart thing to do". As far as them interacting socially, it is extremely important to praise them when they "get it right". Praising friendly behaviors, compliments, and helpfulness that they exhibit tends to help them continue to succeed. Social stories help here too. They are like comic strips for everyday life occurrences. Aspies think in pictures and are very visual so these are helpful. Visualization not verbalization is their way of learning. They tend to take a logical more scientific approach to things. They tend to appear like they are not listening when in reality they are. Greyson is a master at this and it has driven me mad since he was a toddler. He seems totally checked out at times only later to reveal he has gotten everything you were trying to teach him. He still gets me with that. He, as most all Aspies, has a limited ability to tolerate frustration. They can't think of what else to do...other ways to solve the problem. They can really get down on themselves and depression can set in rapidly and deeply if you are not careful. It has to be monitored closely, especially as they reach adolescents. The suicide threat due to depression and self loathing among these kids is horrifying to me. All of these things I re-read this weekend in search of help. I am reminded now and again that I am the one who will have to stay on top of this. No one else but me and Michele. We are his saviors in a world that can seem foreign at times. We are his advocates as any parent is to his or her child. I wish I had all the answers but I do not. He is struggling some right now and I will find answers to what works for him. I will because I am his mom and I know him well. I will figure it out somehow. Until then I am sure I will be feeling frustrated and somewhat defeated. At times lonely and very sad. It's these moments that make me long for some normalcy for him and for us. But hell...does anyone have that?Today I cleaned house with Michele and found tons of school work from kindergarten through now. It was amazing yet sad. It told such a story of what had happened once he hit first grade. He had done fairly well in kindergarten with a few snags but nothing huge. Then once he hit first grade things went so wrong on so many different levels. No need rehashing it but today I did. Just by having to sort through and decide what to keep and what to toss I had to rehash it to a degree. Part of me wanted to toss all of his first grade year being as it was a nightmare. But I saw his work...kept some of the great things he did...one of which seemed so apropos. He had picked the art masterpiece, "The Scream" by Edvard Munch to recreate in first grade. hahahahaaaaa Was he trying to tell me something?!!! Yes... I did...I saved that one. What a better summary of his year and mine back then huh? May I just say his second grade year was amazing due to an amazing teacher. She soooo made up for his year before to some degree. Funny how I feel like I know him so well yet at times I feel so inadequate at helping him and helping people understand him. I sometimes feel they are going...whatever! Just make him do what all kids have to do. And yes...I get that too. He does need to be able to function in the world on his own. But I still have to make sense of it all to him and to those who may think he is being obstinate. I feel it is my duty to him and to the world to help spread some understanding and compassion. Sometimes you let your Autistic kid hone in on the ceiling fan blade in the middle of karate class and then watch it go round and round, head moving with it....without bothering to explain it to anyone. Those moments are priceless and you leave with a smile on your face! It's nothing but LOVE pure love and I could not love him more! Well...we are on a new journey and in a new place for sure. Stay tuned for the next Chapter in Loveforbeatle...we'll be back! Hugs to all.
Greyson is struggling some in school again I believe. The stakes are higher this year and he needs to be more focused but so far it isn't happening. He has a good teacher who will help him in any way she can but she can only reel him in so much when isn't engaged. The class sizes are much larger this year and I think that definitely has an effect on the class and the teacher. Our school is wonderful and very special in that it doesn't shun the kids who have challenges, diagnosed or not. therefore, in my personal opinion, we have quite a few children that do fall into that category. Thank goodness for the places that will help and embrace these kids but it still is a handful. And yes...Greyson falls right into this group. I worry about him. I know his class and teacher are new to him but he continues to flounder, walk around the room, lay on the couch, and not participate in what is happening. I am very worried. I want him to succeed in school and in life. What parent doesn't? Anyway...at this point I am realizing he should be showing more signs of being involved than he is and now I am getting that bad feeling. I lay awake wondering what will help him and what might help his new teacher better understand him and his ways. I lay awake wondering with all the kids in his class whether she even has time to help him or redirect him. It's just a large class. This came on suddenly for me as I have been helping there in other classes and I have felt quite scattered. But suddenly I have to figure out what works best for him. Something isn't working right now but I am not sure what. He is so worried about his friends. He has come a long long way socially but some things still elude him. He told me yesterday that some of his very good friends, the ones he feels he is close to, told on him for throwing his shoe. He was heart broken that they had done it. I told him he should use his words to talk to them and tell them that it hurt his feelings. that's when he said, "They'll just say, "Who cares?" I was sad for him....sad that the people he had considered his good friends had shown him that friends aren't always who you think they are. Now maybe there is more to the story, but usually, once things come out, he is painfully honest about what happened. From what I gather...he was being silly playing with his crocs and threw one which hit someone. I do not think he meant to hit anyone from what I am understanding of it. More than likely he was just clowning around as usual. He headed off to the coat closet and cried. His teacher came in to talk with him and that was that. For him...his day was shot....ruined....all over one silly incident with a shoe. I didn't even hear about it from the teacher so to them it could not have been that big a deal. To him.....it was really sad that his friends betrayed him by telling on him. These moments kill me...he has to learn how things work in the real world but in his world he has no good understanding of it all. He wants lots of friends but doesn't quite understand how it all works fully. That being said....who the hell does. I remember some pretty crappy friend lessons I learned the hard way myself and it never feels very good. I just hope that I can always somehow find ways to make sense of his world to others without seeming like everything I say is relating to his challenges. Also without seeming like I think his whole identity is Aspergers related and still finding ways to make our world make sense to him in those moments where it seems so foreign. OK....so things, I have decided, will always be challenging for us as he reaches each milestone and we will have to forever be his advocates. At least during his school years. I will leave you for now. Until next time...I will drink a big ol' glass of red wine as I am having to re-group for Greyson's sake. Things will be fine...just need a new plan of attack.
Two peas in a pod! It's time for me to start keeping up with this better. I am gonna need the humor as well as the moments of looking back and saying..."See, everything turned out fine." I have spent lots of time volunteering at Greyson's school but not so much in his class. I did go help one day when his teacher was out, but I wasn't there long being as it was only a half day anyway. When I do go to his class he seems even more out of sorts than usual. I worry he spends his day walking in circles and/or sitting or laying on the sofa in there. He holds things so deeply inside and is sooo emotional anyway. The least little thing throws him for a huge loop. His teacher this year is wonderful but I worry about him due to him being older and his grade level brings on higher expectations. I sometimes wonder if he is up to it, even though I know he is perfectly capable. It drives me mad to see him just avoid whatever the task at hand is in class. I went in today and he was doing just that. Total avoidance of the work they had been given. I tried all my tricks to get him to do what he had been told to do and finally he did it. Not without protest though of course. I mean seriously...why make anything easy on mommy right? Lord....anyway. My mind is racing wondering if I need to try to find different ways to get through to him. I even thought maybe I would solicit the help of his therapist, Mr Mike. Maybe have him come in and observe him in class to offer some insight to Greyson's behavior. Hell I don't know. I just don't want Alex to be driven mad by Greyson. the class has some interesting enough dynamics and I think he spends his time worrying who is his friend and who is not. He talked with me about it today and it seems to consume him. I worry about that too since with Aspergers having friends is harder anyway. Now that he has them he is still somewhat taken back by how friends treat each other at times. We all know it is not always as it should be. But even little things devastate him. When I tell him to use his words he says he doesn't want them to tell him, "Who cares!" He is totally worried that his friends won't care whether his feelings are hurt or not. Ahhhhhhhh. Is this an age thing maybe? I need to do more research. Finding balance between what may be Aspergers related as opposed to just a boy or age thing can be quite interesting. it actually makes me crazy and most of you know that is a short trip for me. (On a short bus no doubt....helmets optional!) Am I worrying too much right now? Not enough? Do I need to meet with his teacher again to hash out how he is coming along? As he gets older he is doing so good but in some ways it becomes more obvious that he has some serious challenges to deal with. That just means I need to be a better detective when it comes to him. Oh well...enough of my rave...I am having an I am completely overwhelmed kinda day today. Tomorrow is a new day. Until then....Shaaaaaaafin'zen! hahahahaaaaaaaaaa
We had our IEP meeting last week on Wednesday and I thought it went very well. Greyson first got an IEP last year at CCS and each year we will revisit it adjusting his goals etc. as needed. We were very proud of him and the progress he has made in a year. The staff and his team of teachers at school were proud as well. We lost our speech therapist, Eileen, that we really loved last year so that was sad. Fortunately she has been replaced with another amazing lady. I love her too so far. She told us that her first meeting with Greyson she couldn't even tell what he had going on...she had to look back at his paperwork to see that he had Aspergers. Yeah! I thought that was a testimony to the hard work and love that school and it's fabulous staff has shown him. ...and of course...us too! We do do alot outside of the school to ensure that he can be successful in the world we live in. So kudos to Greyson mainly for working hard to get where he is. We still discussed how he likes to keep secret all that he really knows. It is maddening to me but he has done it since he was a little guy so you would think I would be used to it. He never understands why he has to do things over and over for practice. I guess he takes on the idea that I have it...I get it....what's the point of all this. but I don't know for sure....as he never discloses much of what he is thinking either. i have to catch him in those weak moments just before bed to get information out of him. Funny guy that Greyson! So..overall my thoughts are....he is doing great. he has EOG's this year which I absolutely hate! I KNOW he won't test to his real ability and I could care less. They have to test them so we shall see. I think like him...what's the point of it? But no one cares what I think. I'm just glad most of our school feels the same way about them...they have to be done so we do what we have to do and move on. We continue to plug along at school. I am volunteering more and Greyson has mixed feelings about it. He loves his new teacher but thinks he should quite school after third grade. hahahahaaaa...he claims he wants to play and build LEGOS all day. Oh the life huh? He kills me...I think he will do fine. He is still adjusting but each day I feel he gets better with things. His teacher has some great ideas to help him and we will work together to ensure he has a great year. I think she is an awesome teacher. I am glad he got her. She is another one of the special teachers that is truly invested in the children there. I love that and from what I have seen, most of the teachers there are like that. It's great to see especially when you have a child that you know can really test the patience of those that are there to guide them at times. Most people would not want to be bothered but the staff here goes above and beyond. Even when I am sure they are having a moment you would not know it. They handle things so well the majority of the time and I am grateful for it. I am enjoying being in class more to better understand things there too. It's a great year so far and I hope the momentum continues through until the end. Great things are happening for sure! Hugs to all of you....more to come soon.
Today was early dismissal at Greyson's school which translates into freedom for the children at 1pm. Yes, they get to go home early. Ms Alex, Greyson's new teacher, was not going to be at school so she had Ms Deb subbing. I agreed to come hang out and help Ms Deb. Several other parents were there as well so it went pretty well. The only thing that was a problem was me and my ego. I drove myself crazy watching Greyson wander around the room not doing what he had been asked to do. It flies all over me when that happens but it's only because I allow for that. Yes he has challenges but for the most part he wasn't being disruptive so much as he just wasn't participating and doing what he was asked. Some in part because I am there and as any parent knows, your child doesn't always act the same as they do on a daily basis when you show up. I want him to listen, and do what he needs to do but for him it is not always that simple. Many things can bring about him needing to move around the room as he does and I know that. Watching it is painful though...mostly because of my own ego. It's a journey I have taken on more seriously here lately but I am still struggling. I want to be more excepting of things as they are. I want to be a mother, friend and person that isn't so reactive to her emotions. But most of all when my son is looking at me I want him to see the mom that is soooo proud of him and what he accomplishes, even on the days when frustrations are high. It's all about who do you want to be in those trying moments. I don't want to be the crazy mom that reacts and then thinks, "I shouldn't have gotten so frustrated or so angry about that." I know I am not perfect and I will have these moments that fall by the way side. I am not trying to be too hard on myself. I am only trying to reflect and remember where I want to be especially after days like yesterday when I failed to communicate effectively to Greyson what my expectations were without making him feel like he was failing or disappointing me. He has already had plenty of that, but that's a whole story that need not be told again. Now I am determined to be a better communicator to everyone I encounter, especially him. It is a great challenge for me and I believe everything I have done lately, and everything I am doing, is leading me in this direction. Into being a much better me. I find myself helping more at school with different classes and I plan to help/volunteer more. These children need support and love and guidance. My friend and I were talking the other day and, at times, we have to be more stern with them. We both said how we don't want to end up sounding angry or like we are yelling all the time. It's funny how as an adult and as the one responsible for their safety you do tend to have a sense of urgency when the children are off in a carefree place in their minds. You know, like the times when they are crossing the street like they have an eternity and as the adult you are almost in a panic internally thinking..."we have to get across before some nutbag comes speeding through and runs us over!" That alone can make you seem like you have lost your mind and you are a "big meany". Hahahahaaaaaaa. Oh well...Shaaaaaaaaaaazennnnnnn!Overall though, I know what my goal is and I will stay the course. I may drift away now and again, but my son always brings me back to the task at hand without even knowing it. He is a wonderful guy who has made progress by leaps and bounds. We may not be the poster family for the way things should be. We are actually more the poster family for what not to do with your child. Watch too much TV, don't read enough with him, play too many video games etc...etc...but, given the situation, we try to find the happy mediums for him and us. Somehow he takes in what he needs to to be at grade level in most things. I may not be giving him enough credit here but in these early years I feel he will never test accurately to show what he is capable of. I have this on my mind due to him being in 3rd grade. This is the year for the dreaded EOG's to begin. It's sad in a way but those tests are crap as far as I am concerned. He has never been one to show what he is capable of until he is good and ready and I am fine now with that. On some levels it is maddening but what do you do but let it be what it is. I now have more faith that he can do anything and will when he is ready and in his own time. It's just a matter of putting my ego aside. If we all were honest we would all be able to admit that the ego is a huge factor in how we react to our world and the happenings in it day to day. When it can be put aside and we can stay present, truly present to what is actually happening, then we succeed in all areas of our lives. The key is staying present to what is ACTUALLY happening and not what we tell ourselves is happening. "Our story" always screws up the situation and gets the ego roused up over nothing. So...to wrap up from yesterday. I allowed my ego to slip in yesterday when helping with Greyson's class. I know that...and I am the only one who can work on staying present instead of allowing the obstacles to creep in. Today I will talk to Greyson some about what I expect of him and what we can do to make my visits to his class enjoyable for both of us. Together we will figure it out. For now I am going to try and lure him outside to play. Maybe a play date if I can round up some friends for the park. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
Greyson at the Gem mine in Chimney Rock, NC...next to "The mine car" He was diggin that...pardon the pun!I have been so very slack at this lately. Anyway...To give you the updated reader's digest version. We left on Friday to go camping for the weekend of Labor Day. We go each year with a group to the Rutherfordton area near Chimney Rock. Our friend started the whole thing and it is a blast. Many lesbians that have kids, and some who don't attend and we nearly take over this tiny campground. We bring a cooker and have a big family like dinner on Saturday night. The rest of the time it's lots of fun in the river, hanging out by the fire int he mornings and/or evenings, sharing dinners and lunches with friends, etc...etc... Greyson loves it and he does pretty well there. We did figure out this year that his limit before overload is 3 days. After that...he starts getting a little out of sorts and at times, full on crazy. So...next year we will probably leave on Sunday to overt any meltdowns...we shall see. Instead of horseback riding on Sunday we decided to take him to a gem mine to find treasure. Well that was an awesome decision. He picked out his bucket and then started his search. Shovel fulls of sand were placed into a screened box and he shock it out in the trough of running water. One by one they appeared. He found two Ziploc bags full of gems and minerals, along with a great big amethyst geode. Wow! The man said he even found Indiana Jones birth stone! He was so excited! Well....we knew he was. The poor man there tried his damnedest to get Grey to smile or talk but he was having none of it. I wanted to explain why and then I thought...WTH...we'll never see him again more than likely. It's all good. He finally smiled at the end and high-fived the man. I think the Indiana Jones birth stone pushed him over the edge to feel like opening up slightly. hahahahaaaaaa I love watching him and how he takes in things around him. Sometimes so reserved and quietly, sometimes wide ass open. It all depends. I feel like I live in his brain and get him more so than I would like sometimes. As Michele would say..."mini me" It scares and delights me all in the same. He told me the other day that after third grade he was quiting school. So far in his young life I have not been able to help him understand the use for it or why he should be there. I did tell him he had to at least go until 12 grades were done then we could decide about college. I told him that's where it gets fun because he can study all the things he loves the most. He listened quietly and said nothing. Maybe it creeped in there and roamed around for a while. A mom can only hope. Oh well...I have many years before that becomes a worry again. I will still always plant those seeds for higher education. Grandma Griffin would insist! Here's to you grandma! :) As far as school, I think things are going OK. We have his IEP meeting for the year next week sometime. We will set his goals for the year and the focus areas we need to work on. He is doing really well with reading and writing. I can never say enough about how much it means to have teachers and a staff that has the patience to deal with these children. Amazing...i myself do well at times...other times are more challenging in the patience area but hey...that is just part of the joys of motherhood huh? Well...I am going to spend some QT with my sweet boy and partner "man traits". I know some of you are laughing! Well keep on laughing sisters! For those of you who don't get it...I have discovered I am a pseudo lesbian thanks to having a partner who is a man in a woman's body! Anyway...it's all good. Hugs to you crazy folk that love us...and that we love back! Until the next drama...
I have been missing alot of blogging time lately due to helping at Greyson's school. I think by the time I get home I am drawing a blank. It's kind of funny...I guess a sign of my old age...I'm not sure! Anyway...the experience has been very rewarding and I can't wait to help in his class more too. Right now the lower grades just need a few extra hands until the new PT assistant arrives. So.....I have found a new love. I so love these children and watching them blossom day to day. Never thought I would have the patience for helping in there but somehow I have found it. I guess I have not given myself enough credit in that area. Needless to say Greyson has taught me soooo many things, especially about how I see children and how I relate to them. I do still have "moments" where I am not quite getting it...but overall I do OK. hahahahaaaaaaa Greyson has seemed to be doing well so far this year. He loves his class and his best buddy is in there to make his day even brighter. Can't beat that huh? He has even given me less headache here lately about reading. I pulled out a Scooby Doo book last night and he was all about it. He never ceases to amaze me with his surprises. One day he is "no way mom" and the next thing I know...he is doing whatever he wouldn't do. It has always been this way and I figure always will be this way. I must wait and let him perform in his time. He is on Greyson time and it seems nothing can ever change that. All I ever want for him is happiness, peacefulness, lots of love, a safe place to be, and wonderful supportive people there with him. The rest shall fall into place. Whether he is extremely brilliant or an average guy matters not to us. He is Greyson and lord knows that is plenty. He keeps us laughing, sometimes crying, sometimes frustrated but we always have each other to work things out. Each day brings another step towards success for him in so many things. I try to be patient, loving and supportive and let him grow into the great guy I know he is. We love that boy and we do spoil him slightly but he is worth every bit of it. He has grown on so many levels here lately and sometimes it is hard to see him turning into such a young man. He reminds me often not to treat him like a baby or talk to him like a baby. How sad and wonderful. Today he has Umberto here on a play date. Together they are LEGO adventurers and nothing can stop them from there mission. LEGOs....Greyson's current addiction and love. Oh the things he has in that imagination...the movies he makes, the things he builds, the hours he spends living in his imaginary world amaze me. Conquer the world adventurer of mine...today the LEGOS...tomorrow....is up to you, who knows, the possibilities are endless!
This painting is so very dramatic but it will make sense later as to why I have posted it. And yes....I think the story is hysterical. (leftover first grade story...)
