Great Fall Weekend

This painting is so very dramatic but it will make sense later as to why I have posted it. And yes....I think the story is hysterical. (leftover first grade story...)
It's been a great fall weekend, cool weather, playing outside, playing inside, eating out and celebrating our anniversary. (12 years together) I also spent time looking through my notes from the Aspergers seminar I went to featuring Tony Attwood. He said many great things and I was looking for things that may help me help Greyson be a little calmer and focused at school. He has just not seemed to be able to find his comfort yet this year and I am concerned he will fall behind if he keeps avoiding work when he is in class. Looking back at the notes was quite enlightening for me. It always helps to see what you have been witness to already reinforced by an expert. Tony spoke about children with Aspergers and their different characteristics. They have a compulsion for completion and have a very hard time switching tracks. They have a pathological fear of making mistakes and/or appearing stupid. Any advice given is usually perceived as criticism. In these situations the best motivators are "What would be a wise decision here?" or "What would be the intelligent thing to do?" Typical kids look for other ways to do things while Aspies are more rigid and it does not naturally occur to them to do this. You have to prompt them by saying, "What would be another way we could do this?" Aspies are acutely aware of errors and tend to withdraw, escape or try to control. They will do extreme things to avoid situations where ridicule may or does occur. (Really...first grade comes to mind here but....why relive that fun?) Their capacity for socialization is a cup compared neuro typicals who's capacity is a bucket. Their anxiety and/or sadness normally comes out as anger. So being a good detective as a parent is crucial. They cannot handle shouting or yelling because they are overly sensitive to emotional atmospheres. To change an unwanted behavior you have to appeal to their sense of logic. They need to understand and know why certain things are as they are. Confrontation makes them more emotional & tends to escalate things. The best way to handle a situation or unwanted behavior, according to Tony Attwood, is not to get emotional, don't tell them about it, give them a compliment, and then something to look forward to. They need to know clearly and visibly what you are feeling. Logic, not discipline is the key to changing their behavior. Self Reflection is a major problem for an Aspie. Ex: Parent-"Why did you do that?" Answer from them-"I don't know!" They are not being obtuse, they really don't get it. They can only cope for so long socially before they become exhausted. We have seen this in Greyson on many occasions. He can go for a while but once he has reached that point, he totally breaks down like a toddler. It's sad to see his total lack of control in that respect. An Aspie's stress is proportionate to the amount of people in the room. That is why most of them seek solitude. The best way for Greyson to calm down, is usually by being alone. Most Aspies respond to this. He seems to find peace and/or peace of mind by doing this. He can get himself centered again. (Hiding in his room, the coat closet at school, etc...)
They need for us to model behavior to learn it. Modeling things like making mistakes is crucial so they see it is OK to not be perfect. It shows them that if they stay calm and try another way, or ask for help they can still succeed. Being calm is being smart. "It's the smart thing to do".

As far as them interacting socially, it is extremely important to praise them when they "get it right". Praising friendly behaviors, compliments, and helpfulness that they exhibit tends to help them continue to succeed. Social stories help here too. They are like comic strips for everyday life occurrences. Aspies think in pictures and are very visual so these are helpful. Visualization not verbalization is their way of learning. They tend to take a logical more scientific approach to things. They tend to appear like they are not listening when in reality they are. Greyson is a master at this and it has driven me mad since he was a toddler. He seems totally checked out at times only later to reveal he has gotten everything you were trying to teach him. He still gets me with that. He, as most all Aspies, has a limited ability to tolerate frustration. They can't think of what else to do...other ways to solve the problem. They can really get down on themselves and depression can set in rapidly and deeply if you are not careful. It has to be monitored closely, especially as they reach adolescents. The suicide threat due to depression and self loathing among these kids is horrifying to me. All of these things I re-read this weekend in search of help. I am reminded now and again that I am the one who will have to stay on top of this. No one else but me and Michele. We are his saviors in a world that can seem foreign at times. We are his advocates as any parent is to his or her child. I wish I had all the answers but I do not. He is struggling some right now and I will find answers to what works for him. I will because I am his mom and I know him well. I will figure it out somehow. Until then I am sure I will be feeling frustrated and somewhat defeated. At times lonely and very sad. It's these moments that make me long for some normalcy for him and for us. But hell...does anyone have that?

Today I cleaned house with Michele and found tons of school work from kindergarten through now. It was amazing yet sad. It told such a story of what had happened once he hit first grade. He had done fairly well in kindergarten with a few snags but nothing huge. Then once he hit first grade things went so wrong on so many different levels. No need rehashing it but today I did. Just by having to sort through and decide what to keep and what to toss I had to rehash it to a degree. Part of me wanted to toss all of his first grade year being as it was a nightmare. But I saw his work...kept some of the great things he did...one of which seemed so apropos. He had picked the art masterpiece, "The Scream" by Edvard Munch to recreate in first grade. hahahahaaaaa Was he trying to tell me something?!!! Yes... I did...I saved that one. What a better summary of his year and mine back then huh? May I just say his second grade year was amazing due to an amazing teacher. She soooo made up for his year before to some degree.
Funny how I feel like I know him so well yet at times I feel so inadequate at helping him and helping people understand him. I sometimes feel they are going...whatever! Just make him do what all kids have to do. And yes...I get that too. He does need to be able to function in the world on his own. But I still have to make sense of it all to him and to those who may think he is being obstinate. I feel it is my duty to him and to the world to help spread some understanding and compassion. Sometimes you let your Autistic kid hone in on the ceiling fan blade in the middle of karate class and then watch it go round and round, head moving with it....without bothering to explain it to anyone. Those moments are priceless and you leave with a smile on your face! It's nothing but LOVE pure love and I could not love him more! Well...we are on a new journey and in a new place for sure. Stay tuned for the next Chapter in Loveforbeatle...we'll be back! Hugs to all.