Today was early dismissal at Greyson's school which translates into freedom for the children at 1pm. Yes, they get to go home early. Ms Alex, Greyson's new teacher, was not going to be at school so she had Ms Deb subbing. I agreed to come hang out and help Ms Deb. Several other parents were there as well so it went pretty well. The only thing that was a problem was me and my ego. I drove myself crazy watching Greyson wander around the room not doing what he had been asked to do. It flies all over me when that happens but it's only because I allow for that. Yes he has challenges but for the most part he wasn't being disruptive so much as he just wasn't participating and doing what he was asked. Some in part because I am there and as any parent knows, your child doesn't always act the same as they do on a daily basis when you show up. I want him to listen, and do what he needs to do but for him it is not always that simple. Many things can bring about him needing to move around the room as he does and I know that. Watching it is painful though...mostly because of my own ego. It's a journey I have taken on more seriously here lately but I am still struggling. I want to be more excepting of things as they are. I want to be a mother, friend and person that isn't so reactive to her emotions. But most of all when my son is looking at me I want him to see the mom that is soooo proud of him and what he accomplishes, even on the days when frustrations are high. It's all about who do you want to be in those trying moments. I don't want to be the crazy mom that reacts and then thinks, "I shouldn't have gotten so frustrated or so angry about that." I know I am not perfect and I will have these moments that fall by the way side. I am not trying to be too hard on myself. I am only trying to reflect and remember where I want to be especially after days like yesterday when I failed to communicate effectively to Greyson what my expectations were without making him feel like he was failing or disappointing me. He has already had plenty of that, but that's a whole story that need not be told again. Now I am determined to be a better communicator to everyone I encounter, especially him. It is a great challenge for me and I believe everything I have done lately, and everything I am doing, is leading me in this direction. Into being a much better me. I find myself helping more at school with different classes and I plan to help/volunteer more. These children need support and love and guidance. My friend and I were talking the other day and, at times, we have to be more stern with them. We both said how we don't want to end up sounding angry or like we are yelling all the time. It's funny how as an adult and as the one responsible for their safety you do tend to have a sense of urgency when the children are off in a carefree place in their minds. You know, like the times when they are crossing the street like they have an eternity and as the adult you are almost in a panic internally thinking..."we have to get across before some nutbag comes speeding through and runs us over!" That alone can make you seem like you have lost your mind and you are a "big meany". Hahahahaaaaaaa. Oh well...Shaaaaaaaaaaazennnnnnn!Overall though, I know what my goal is and I will stay the course. I may drift away now and again, but my son always brings me back to the task at hand without even knowing it. He is a wonderful guy who has made progress by leaps and bounds. We may not be the poster family for the way things should be. We are actually more the poster family for what not to do with your child. Watch too much TV, don't read enough with him, play too many video games etc...etc...but, given the situation, we try to find the happy mediums for him and us. Somehow he takes in what he needs to to be at grade level in most things. I may not be giving him enough credit here but in these early years I feel he will never test accurately to show what he is capable of. I have this on my mind due to him being in 3rd grade. This is the year for the dreaded EOG's to begin. It's sad in a way but those tests are crap as far as I am concerned. He has never been one to show what he is capable of until he is good and ready and I am fine now with that. On some levels it is maddening but what do you do but let it be what it is. I now have more faith that he can do anything and will when he is ready and in his own time. It's just a matter of putting my ego aside. If we all were honest we would all be able to admit that the ego is a huge factor in how we react to our world and the happenings in it day to day. When it can be put aside and we can stay present, truly present to what is actually happening, then we succeed in all areas of our lives. The key is staying present to what is ACTUALLY happening and not what we tell ourselves is happening. "Our story" always screws up the situation and gets the ego roused up over nothing. So...to wrap up from yesterday. I allowed my ego to slip in yesterday when helping with Greyson's class. I know that...and I am the only one who can work on staying present instead of allowing the obstacles to creep in. Today I will talk to Greyson some about what I expect of him and what we can do to make my visits to his class enjoyable for both of us. Together we will figure it out. For now I am going to try and lure him outside to play. Maybe a play date if I can round up some friends for the park. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
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