Welcome 2011

Here it is, 2011.  Another year gone by and Greyson is doing well.  I sometimes forget just how well he is doing because of those moments when we are having challenges.  Being with him day to day I still find myself thinking at times that I wish things were easier for him.  Then I always find something that snaps me back into the reality of how great he really is.  I did alot of reading during Christmas finishing two books that I had longed to read but hadn't found the time.  One was 'The Alchemist' which was an amazing book to say the least.  I will find time one day to read it again I am sure.  The other book I have had for a while.  It is 'The Horse Boy'.  A true story about a boy who is autistic and his father finds a beautiful way to connect to him through a horse named Betsy.  Once he opens the door into his son's world he longs to find a way to help him out of some of the disabling behaviors that are taking a toll on his son's quality of life.  They end up traveling to Mongolia, the origin of horses, to seek healing from the shaman of the reindeer people.  Amazing story and movie if you are so inclined.  I tell you this because while reading the story I had many revelations.  His son, Rowan, was more severe than Greyson.  He tantrums much more often and way more intensely than anything we have witnessed in Greyson.  He was afraid of having a bowel movement so he would stand and poop himself regularly. I thought about how blessed we have been not to have had a son who was less verbal with all of the more severe behaviors, but at the same time thought to myself, It's all relative.  They went to the far ends of the earth to end up with a son who is doing phenomenal in comparison to where he started.  He currently is probably where Greyson was in the beginning of his diagnosis.  I then thought to myself how far Greyson has come too.  Everything seems funny to me in how we find ourselves always on this journey.  This journey that takes you on highs and lows that are so relative to where you started.  Never stopping enough to be thankful for where we are right in the moment.  To accept who and where we are in the present and forgive whatever shortcomings may come with that place/space.  This father was celebrating what we had longed to make better for our son.  Mainly because of where our journeys began.  You may think me crazy for even thinking about this but I find it important.  I started our journey feeling guilty I had allowed a school to mistreat my son. Feeling I hadn't done enough to stop them from smashing his delicate self esteem. All because I trusted the powers that be.  I felt helpless and mad that people were judging him and his behaviors without knowing him or even wanting to get to know him.  I felt the need to tell people about his condition while my partner had no understanding of why I felt the need to do this.  I look back and wonder how much was for him as opposed to me.  I found myself talking about it alot to people.  I spent hours reading books, studying the Internet and filling my brain with information regarding what to do etc.  As a parent you want to make life simpler, more normal for them but what is normal?  That was normal to him.  It was the rest of us goobers that weren't getting it.  I still find myself in a place where if I get defensive and I am very protective of him.  I also find myself wondering still when he is having a moment, "Is this 10 year old boy stuff, or is this Aspergers stuff?"  Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?  I guess all of this said I realize that we are all on a journey.  The most important thing to remember is...To be present in that very important moment as it will never repeat itself ever again.  Be willing to forgive yourself for who and where you are on that journey.  Embrace it and learn from it if need be. Be aware of the moments when you fall back, reflect, dust yourself off and then be present once more.  I sat in one of the seminars I attended for Landmark and realized that we all are striving toward something.  Each of us thinking of, and striving for that step up from where we are.  And if we got there, another step up...then another, then another.  It never ends and we spend our lives missing that beautiful moment.  That moment that will never repeat itself ever again.  Be present.  It's where you are, it's who you are and isn't that enough?  Trust me, I believe it is. 

Dedicated to my girls! (4presence)

Thank you all for your guidance, inspiration, love, laughter & friendship!