Bird by Bird

 

photo by Brittany Little, Charlotte, NC

I don't post so often anymore now that our guy has become a man.  Now that Greyson is grown all the fun silly little stories are long behind us now. Well, most of them. That said, the little guy who always struggled to do well in school, to make friends and figure out the appropriate social cues, to just be accepted for the amazing boy that he was and always has been is trapped in a large bearded 5'11" frame. This exacerbates those issues he had as a young fella x 100.  As a little fella he had us, his moms, who could advocate for things that would help him, or things that he needed, to ensure he succeeded in school and life when he was struggling.  Now, he is this towering large man and we are trying to teach him to advocate for himself. It is something he needs to learn to ensure he becomes self sufficient.  As a matter of fact, if he goes to college at any point, he will definitely have to be able to advocate for himself. Or at least that is what I have been told. He struggles with this whole growing up and becoming an active participant in society.  Most of his peers have just finished their first year of college and/or have successfully completed a gap years, working, learning and growing in their local communities. He hasn't ever had a lot of friends but those he did do things with meant the world to him. He misses interacting with his small tight group of peers but we hope he can venture out and find other people to grow and enjoy life with. 

He had just taken a job at HT as a bagger when Covid-19 hit.  With all the hype and concern for safety he flew into a full blown panic about getting it, possibly giving it to us, and/or all of the above. He ended up taking a break form a job he had just gotten for about a month and a half.  They were very understanding, thank goodness, as several other of their employees had done the same thing. Yesterday he hesitantly headed back to work. He has been in tears both days since his return to the work force and has repeatedly said he doesn't want to work at all.  He isn't sure about school, or working anywhere else either. He has always hated change of any sort since he was a toddler so we are calmly trying to coach him through all of this.  We ask that he just give it some time but it is heart breaking to watch him crumble.  He claims he just isn't sure he can even make it in this world on his own. We know full well he can, but convincing him of that is a bit more challenging. It is a delicate dance of patience and understanding as we help him navigate these life transitions. Being older, he fully recognizes his social shortcomings like never before.  He says he is lazy and no good. I don't think that is accurate but he is convinced. I ensured him that Michele and I would do anything and everything to help him find a way for him to succeed on his own.  At the same time we know he has to bring a great deal to this fight so we gently explained that to him too.  If he doesn't want or like the entry level jobs he needs to fight for himself and get an education either at school or by getting out in the world and doing.  We just hope we can get through to him.  You see, we see a guy who can do anything he sets his mind to, but we also see a guy that takes a bit longer to embrace new things.  We are seeing that his diagnosis is haunting him now. He sees that he is different when it comes to so many things and it is wearing on him in a bad way. We have always celebrated his Aspergers/HFA and told him he was awesome and capable of doing anything. Sometimes that just isn't enough and that makes me sad.  We have a few more tricks up our sleeves to try and snap him out of this funk so we shall see. We cannot say enough about how far he has come, about the amazing, caring, talented and knowledgeable young man he is. Somehow he still feels all alone in this giant world we live in. He needs peers his age and we thought a job would help.  It may if he lasts long enough but he sees himself as so different that he just keeps to himself and doesn't interact much. We have discussed ways to converse with new people he meets and are giving him strategies, but it all makes him extremely anxious. I go back and forth from feeling as though I failed him miserably to knowing that homeschooling him saved him emotionally. ( I say I because I was the one at home trying to ensure he got some form of schooling done each day while Michele worked long hours to keep our household afloat)  We will continue to fight and advocate for him hoping that he will take up the fight for himself at some point so he can show the world what a capable, loving and amazing guy he is. 

Each day is challenging, some more so than others, but we do feel if we can get him through the hard parts, the new beginnings, he will come out on the other side successful.  We happen to be in on of those heartbreaking transitional moments that we have encountered before.  Some struggles are still just as real as they were in the early days. We got him through those in the past.  We shall get him through these newer ones. 

One day at a time.  

Or, as Anne Lamott would say, "Bird by Bird".