Bird by Bird

 

photo by Brittany Little, Charlotte, NC

I don't post so often anymore now that our guy has become a man.  Now that Greyson is grown all the fun silly little stories are long behind us now. Well, most of them. That said, the little guy who always struggled to do well in school, to make friends and figure out the appropriate social cues, to just be accepted for the amazing boy that he was and always has been is trapped in a large bearded 5'11" frame. This exacerbates those issues he had as a young fella x 100.  As a little fella he had us, his moms, who could advocate for things that would help him, or things that he needed, to ensure he succeeded in school and life when he was struggling.  Now, he is this towering large man and we are trying to teach him to advocate for himself. It is something he needs to learn to ensure he becomes self sufficient.  As a matter of fact, if he goes to college at any point, he will definitely have to be able to advocate for himself. Or at least that is what I have been told. He struggles with this whole growing up and becoming an active participant in society.  Most of his peers have just finished their first year of college and/or have successfully completed a gap years, working, learning and growing in their local communities. He hasn't ever had a lot of friends but those he did do things with meant the world to him. He misses interacting with his small tight group of peers but we hope he can venture out and find other people to grow and enjoy life with. 

He had just taken a job at HT as a bagger when Covid-19 hit.  With all the hype and concern for safety he flew into a full blown panic about getting it, possibly giving it to us, and/or all of the above. He ended up taking a break form a job he had just gotten for about a month and a half.  They were very understanding, thank goodness, as several other of their employees had done the same thing. Yesterday he hesitantly headed back to work. He has been in tears both days since his return to the work force and has repeatedly said he doesn't want to work at all.  He isn't sure about school, or working anywhere else either. He has always hated change of any sort since he was a toddler so we are calmly trying to coach him through all of this.  We ask that he just give it some time but it is heart breaking to watch him crumble.  He claims he just isn't sure he can even make it in this world on his own. We know full well he can, but convincing him of that is a bit more challenging. It is a delicate dance of patience and understanding as we help him navigate these life transitions. Being older, he fully recognizes his social shortcomings like never before.  He says he is lazy and no good. I don't think that is accurate but he is convinced. I ensured him that Michele and I would do anything and everything to help him find a way for him to succeed on his own.  At the same time we know he has to bring a great deal to this fight so we gently explained that to him too.  If he doesn't want or like the entry level jobs he needs to fight for himself and get an education either at school or by getting out in the world and doing.  We just hope we can get through to him.  You see, we see a guy who can do anything he sets his mind to, but we also see a guy that takes a bit longer to embrace new things.  We are seeing that his diagnosis is haunting him now. He sees that he is different when it comes to so many things and it is wearing on him in a bad way. We have always celebrated his Aspergers/HFA and told him he was awesome and capable of doing anything. Sometimes that just isn't enough and that makes me sad.  We have a few more tricks up our sleeves to try and snap him out of this funk so we shall see. We cannot say enough about how far he has come, about the amazing, caring, talented and knowledgeable young man he is. Somehow he still feels all alone in this giant world we live in. He needs peers his age and we thought a job would help.  It may if he lasts long enough but he sees himself as so different that he just keeps to himself and doesn't interact much. We have discussed ways to converse with new people he meets and are giving him strategies, but it all makes him extremely anxious. I go back and forth from feeling as though I failed him miserably to knowing that homeschooling him saved him emotionally. ( I say I because I was the one at home trying to ensure he got some form of schooling done each day while Michele worked long hours to keep our household afloat)  We will continue to fight and advocate for him hoping that he will take up the fight for himself at some point so he can show the world what a capable, loving and amazing guy he is. 

Each day is challenging, some more so than others, but we do feel if we can get him through the hard parts, the new beginnings, he will come out on the other side successful.  We happen to be in on of those heartbreaking transitional moments that we have encountered before.  Some struggles are still just as real as they were in the early days. We got him through those in the past.  We shall get him through these newer ones. 

One day at a time.  

Or, as Anne Lamott would say, "Bird by Bird".

Far Too Long

Hello friends and family.  I have let this blog go unattended for far too long.  So, with that being said, Greyson is now a high school graduate.  This came with many trials and tribulations as we opted start homeschooling him in the middle of his 6th grade year.  Public school was a nightmare and homeschooling has not been easy since he did miss having peers to hang out with. We don't have honors classes, extraordinary sports accomplishments or college acceptance letters to brag about, but that is ok.  What we do have is a young man who is kind hearted, compassionate, a talented singer and musician, and someone who is entering this world on his terms.  It has been hard since I constantly beat myself up for possibly failing him, for not helping him be more accomplished in math and/or English (among other subjects that are required), and for not finding the right people to help him succeed at these things that the world insists he must be good at.  What we know deep down is that he will find his way, he always does, in his own time and on his own terms. He is strong willed that way, a perfectionist, who is not interested in trying new things that he is unfamiliar with that could possibly lead to failure.  It's hard but it works itself out in the long run somehow, someway.

This has been quite the lesson for me in patience, understanding and letting go.  Unfortunately, in the past few years I have forgotten many of the lessons that I was so eager to learn when he was small. I let his growth and becoming a young man cloud the fact that inside he still has the same struggles.  Somehow, his becoming a young man equated to he should try harder, be more self sufficient and be further along in some areas in my mind.  You see for the most part he is perfectly "normal", whatever the hell that means. He doesn't display any obvious signs that would allow you to conclude he has Aspergers and falls on the Autistic spectrum. That, in many ways, makes this whole thing even more complicated and challenging.  I have had to stop myself and remind myself quite frequently, that inside this tall young man resides still a guy who is a bit challenged in navigating this world we live in.  When our children are little it is obvious that they need our help and assistance in learning about the world while also allowing them the space and courage to navigate it and learn on their own.  Once they get to be young adults there are many things that you assume they have become self sufficient at  and you back off a bit.  I have had to remind myself that some things just do not fall into his high priority wheel house and he still needs reminders.  You see it is complicated in that these kids can tell you unbelievable details and facts about things that interest them.  Beyond their interests lies a mind that draws a blank for just about anything else and no amount of poking, prodding or reminding will change that. Growing older and looking like a self sufficient adult doesn't change anything and that, in itself, tends to work as a disadvantage.  That is where we are, and that scares us just a bit. We jump back and forth from, "He will be fine." to "Will he be fine?"   We are working on finding a part time job, getting his drivers license and navigating the world in general.  Things are coming along, and we try to continue to be optimistic about where life may lead.  At some point we may try community college but for now it is baby steps.  He loves music but has no idea what to do going forward. We sit and talk with him about options but it is all so overwhelming to him. He sees his peers going off to college and feels a bit left behind which has been hard on his emotional well being.  We continue to encourage him and suggest things for him to be involved in and try but it all will just take time.  Time, understanding and patience.  We have that, although it is tested on occasion, we just hope the world at large has a lot of that for him too.

Post in honor of our amazing son Greyson, class of 2019.  He has accomplished so much more than we can ever convey here and we are sure he has only just begun. Go shine your light bright and share your love with the world son.

Grad/Senior photo creds - Brittany Little