Bird by Bird

 

photo by Brittany Little, Charlotte, NC

I don't post so often anymore now that our guy has become a man.  Now that Greyson is grown all the fun silly little stories are long behind us now. Well, most of them. That said, the little guy who always struggled to do well in school, to make friends and figure out the appropriate social cues, to just be accepted for the amazing boy that he was and always has been is trapped in a large bearded 5'11" frame. This exacerbates those issues he had as a young fella x 100.  As a little fella he had us, his moms, who could advocate for things that would help him, or things that he needed, to ensure he succeeded in school and life when he was struggling.  Now, he is this towering large man and we are trying to teach him to advocate for himself. It is something he needs to learn to ensure he becomes self sufficient.  As a matter of fact, if he goes to college at any point, he will definitely have to be able to advocate for himself. Or at least that is what I have been told. He struggles with this whole growing up and becoming an active participant in society.  Most of his peers have just finished their first year of college and/or have successfully completed a gap years, working, learning and growing in their local communities. He hasn't ever had a lot of friends but those he did do things with meant the world to him. He misses interacting with his small tight group of peers but we hope he can venture out and find other people to grow and enjoy life with. 

He had just taken a job at HT as a bagger when Covid-19 hit.  With all the hype and concern for safety he flew into a full blown panic about getting it, possibly giving it to us, and/or all of the above. He ended up taking a break form a job he had just gotten for about a month and a half.  They were very understanding, thank goodness, as several other of their employees had done the same thing. Yesterday he hesitantly headed back to work. He has been in tears both days since his return to the work force and has repeatedly said he doesn't want to work at all.  He isn't sure about school, or working anywhere else either. He has always hated change of any sort since he was a toddler so we are calmly trying to coach him through all of this.  We ask that he just give it some time but it is heart breaking to watch him crumble.  He claims he just isn't sure he can even make it in this world on his own. We know full well he can, but convincing him of that is a bit more challenging. It is a delicate dance of patience and understanding as we help him navigate these life transitions. Being older, he fully recognizes his social shortcomings like never before.  He says he is lazy and no good. I don't think that is accurate but he is convinced. I ensured him that Michele and I would do anything and everything to help him find a way for him to succeed on his own.  At the same time we know he has to bring a great deal to this fight so we gently explained that to him too.  If he doesn't want or like the entry level jobs he needs to fight for himself and get an education either at school or by getting out in the world and doing.  We just hope we can get through to him.  You see, we see a guy who can do anything he sets his mind to, but we also see a guy that takes a bit longer to embrace new things.  We are seeing that his diagnosis is haunting him now. He sees that he is different when it comes to so many things and it is wearing on him in a bad way. We have always celebrated his Aspergers/HFA and told him he was awesome and capable of doing anything. Sometimes that just isn't enough and that makes me sad.  We have a few more tricks up our sleeves to try and snap him out of this funk so we shall see. We cannot say enough about how far he has come, about the amazing, caring, talented and knowledgeable young man he is. Somehow he still feels all alone in this giant world we live in. He needs peers his age and we thought a job would help.  It may if he lasts long enough but he sees himself as so different that he just keeps to himself and doesn't interact much. We have discussed ways to converse with new people he meets and are giving him strategies, but it all makes him extremely anxious. I go back and forth from feeling as though I failed him miserably to knowing that homeschooling him saved him emotionally. ( I say I because I was the one at home trying to ensure he got some form of schooling done each day while Michele worked long hours to keep our household afloat)  We will continue to fight and advocate for him hoping that he will take up the fight for himself at some point so he can show the world what a capable, loving and amazing guy he is. 

Each day is challenging, some more so than others, but we do feel if we can get him through the hard parts, the new beginnings, he will come out on the other side successful.  We happen to be in on of those heartbreaking transitional moments that we have encountered before.  Some struggles are still just as real as they were in the early days. We got him through those in the past.  We shall get him through these newer ones. 

One day at a time.  

Or, as Anne Lamott would say, "Bird by Bird".

Far Too Long

Hello friends and family.  I have let this blog go unattended for far too long.  So, with that being said, Greyson is now a high school graduate.  This came with many trials and tribulations as we opted start homeschooling him in the middle of his 6th grade year.  Public school was a nightmare and homeschooling has not been easy since he did miss having peers to hang out with. We don't have honors classes, extraordinary sports accomplishments or college acceptance letters to brag about, but that is ok.  What we do have is a young man who is kind hearted, compassionate, a talented singer and musician, and someone who is entering this world on his terms.  It has been hard since I constantly beat myself up for possibly failing him, for not helping him be more accomplished in math and/or English (among other subjects that are required), and for not finding the right people to help him succeed at these things that the world insists he must be good at.  What we know deep down is that he will find his way, he always does, in his own time and on his own terms. He is strong willed that way, a perfectionist, who is not interested in trying new things that he is unfamiliar with that could possibly lead to failure.  It's hard but it works itself out in the long run somehow, someway.

This has been quite the lesson for me in patience, understanding and letting go.  Unfortunately, in the past few years I have forgotten many of the lessons that I was so eager to learn when he was small. I let his growth and becoming a young man cloud the fact that inside he still has the same struggles.  Somehow, his becoming a young man equated to he should try harder, be more self sufficient and be further along in some areas in my mind.  You see for the most part he is perfectly "normal", whatever the hell that means. He doesn't display any obvious signs that would allow you to conclude he has Aspergers and falls on the Autistic spectrum. That, in many ways, makes this whole thing even more complicated and challenging.  I have had to stop myself and remind myself quite frequently, that inside this tall young man resides still a guy who is a bit challenged in navigating this world we live in.  When our children are little it is obvious that they need our help and assistance in learning about the world while also allowing them the space and courage to navigate it and learn on their own.  Once they get to be young adults there are many things that you assume they have become self sufficient at  and you back off a bit.  I have had to remind myself that some things just do not fall into his high priority wheel house and he still needs reminders.  You see it is complicated in that these kids can tell you unbelievable details and facts about things that interest them.  Beyond their interests lies a mind that draws a blank for just about anything else and no amount of poking, prodding or reminding will change that. Growing older and looking like a self sufficient adult doesn't change anything and that, in itself, tends to work as a disadvantage.  That is where we are, and that scares us just a bit. We jump back and forth from, "He will be fine." to "Will he be fine?"   We are working on finding a part time job, getting his drivers license and navigating the world in general.  Things are coming along, and we try to continue to be optimistic about where life may lead.  At some point we may try community college but for now it is baby steps.  He loves music but has no idea what to do going forward. We sit and talk with him about options but it is all so overwhelming to him. He sees his peers going off to college and feels a bit left behind which has been hard on his emotional well being.  We continue to encourage him and suggest things for him to be involved in and try but it all will just take time.  Time, understanding and patience.  We have that, although it is tested on occasion, we just hope the world at large has a lot of that for him too.

Post in honor of our amazing son Greyson, class of 2019.  He has accomplished so much more than we can ever convey here and we are sure he has only just begun. Go shine your light bright and share your love with the world son.

Grad/Senior photo creds - Brittany Little

Our man is growing up too fast! Buckle up Butter Cup!

Well God knows it has been entirely way too long since I posted and/or bragged about the most amazing kid on here.  We have been "unschooling" since 2012 and this boy never ceases to amaze me.  Granted I have periodic panic attacks thinking I have probably ruined him in many ways, but when I step back and admire the man he has and is becoming I realize the decision has been the best thing for him and our family.  Both Greyson and I have made great strides in the past few years.  I completed, FINALLY, my BFA in photography at UNCC while he has been transforming himself into  an amazing young man all around.  He is singing now with a program in Charlotte called Music4Life and has become quite the performer.  (He always has loved to sing and dance but when he was young he was too scared to sing for larger groups of people.) For an introverted shy guy he can really belt it out now.  Thank you John Gurske! I can't say enough about the boy he is now. Our boy is so very kind, loving, thoughtful, honest to a fault, and pretty damn funny.  He does sarcasm pretty well too at times.  I have no idea where he learned that from. Damn "internets"!  With all that said, I am going to post his latest performance with his jam band.  I am late doing this so those of you who have endured it for the millionth time I apologize.  I am his mother for God's sake, what the hell do you expect from me.

Enjoy! Lord knows we can't get enough of it. :)

Click to hear: Greyson singing "Ain't No Sunshine"

Changing, Growing and Acceptance

I have been away for far too long.  Understandably since, I am still plugging along in school working on my BFA. Greyson was taken out of middle school in January of this year to be home schooled, and life is happening all around us at such a rate that I feel the need most times to strap into a safety harness. OSHA has been alerted but has yet to respond. If its any consolation for those who know me well, I am being fitted for a helmet. Enough of that though. I am here to talk about one thing. To talk about following your gut.
When Greyson started middle school Michele and I knew it would be somewhat of a struggle.  It is for most all kids. It didn't take long before we knew we had to get him out of the school system and by January he was home.  Since taking him out I have had no regrets.  He is totally happy and blossoming into one awesome teenage boy. (Well, almost) He comes complete with all the sassiness. Michele and I have turned into two extremely embarrassing and annoying parents that have the brains of a gnat.  That being said, our house is still bursting with love and that fixes everything as far as I am concerned. Our guts told us to get him out of school and homeschool him so that's exactly what we did.  At times I worry that I am not doing enough for him and that I allow him too much leeway, but I always come back to my gut.  I question my abilities to challenge him enough but I just keep pushing on. My gut tells me he is going to be fine. He is not your average guy and being here works for him.  He is one extremely intelligent and amazing fella that I cannot begin to describe here. We have had to adjust to all the doubts and worries of family when this decision was made.  Once people start grilling you about what you are doing and how often you are doing it you start to doubt yourself all over again.  People get caught up in how things have always been and any straying from that worries folks to no end.  God forbid you do something that they consider too radical.  God forbid you "Lose control" of your child.  He must obey. UGH! (pardon my sarcasm) I get it to some degree because we all do it at one time or another. We all get caught up in "how things were always done". Well if we all continued to do things the way they were always done we would be in a real pickle now wouldn't we? Think about how foolish it is to continue to go along never questioning things. Off the beaten path is admirable in my personal opinion. It may be uncomfortable, but growth and change is just that.  We realize he cannot be totally left to his own devices but we also know he needs some leeway to explore those things he is hyper focused on.  The things that light the spark in him. The things he loves. We are searching and finding that medium point.  We are slowly and surely finding our way.  It's exciting, scary, fun, frustrating, exhilarating, and at times maddening but we make it work.  We have a relaxed approach but it's all working out.  It might not be for everyone, but its working for us and for Greyson.  I can't say I have it all figured out because just like any parenting moment, you try different things and the ones that work you roll with, the ones that don't you ditch.  The important thing is to find what works for us and for Greyson.  Aren't we all just individuals with our own special path? Find your path. Help your children along their path until they are ready to walk alone. That's all we can do.  Follow your gut along the way because it will not steer you wrong.  Mine tells me everything is going to be just fine.  Especially regarding Greyson because he is capable of amazing things and I can sense it.  We have always known that, but here lately he is becoming quite the young man.  I feel like we are on the right path for us. It may change as we go along but for now, it's working.

It's been a while...but I got something to say

I've been thinking a lot lately and yes, you probably have smelled something burning. Greyson started middle school this year and I am back in school at UNCC as well finishing out my undergraduate degree.  That makes for some interesting fun at our house.  Poor Michele is working hard to keep us fed, and to keep a roof over our heads while Greyson and I plug along feeding our brains.  I am fine and things are going well for me academically.
Greyson is fine too, or at least I know in my gut he will be.  School is not good for him.  He has always hated school but this year has been just as challenging for him as we thought it would be.  We met with the school and are trying to trust the fact that many kids his age struggle in 6th grade but he seems to be regressing some.  That worries us.  We have been talking about the possibilities of homeschooling him if need be, as well as trying to stay in touch with the powers that be at school regarding his challenges.  All this has lead me to thinking about being a mother.  Not just a mother, a mom.  It has me questioning if I have been doing enough for him.  Funny how as mothers we want to do the best for our child and we are always judging our ourselves and comparing ourselves to others.  I have surrounded myself with friends/moms that I feel are unbelievable people and parents.  I learn from them, trade stories with them, bounce ideas off of them and vent to them about life.  At times I think I want to be more like some of them and I question myself and the job I am doing.  I had been feeling I had failed Greyson and then it hit me.  Every great mom feels this.  We all look up to one another and compare ourselves to the next trying to improve and be the best we can be.  We all have knowledge in different areas and we all have tidbits to help one another.  It does take a village.  It's time, as moms, that we gave ourselves a break and realize we are doing what is best for our children. As long as there is an overabundance of love being shown then everything is gonna be alright.   My son may be struggling grade wise at school, but that does NOT represent who he is in our eyes.  He is an extremely smart guy who is a little quirky at times, but he is remarkably intelligent and sensitive in ways that go way beyond what is measured by our school systems.  I love his new school but sensory wise and size wise it has been overwhelming and frustrating for him.  Maybe it will work itself out...maybe not.  Either way I refuse to continue to think we are failing him.  We are not.  Our house is full of unconditional love and support.  Some may say he's spoiled and gets away with too much.  So be it... To us he is amazing and there is nothing he can't do. (This does not mean that we don't have moments where we want to scream, we do.)  In tackling life we just need to go about it a little differently than most.  We are awesome moms and a perfect match for one truly awesome guy! To all my mom friends that inspire and teach me...I love you all.  You know damn well who you are!  :)

Happy holidays...personally I think this time of year is a croc of shit but I do enjoy the time we have with family & friends.  (For those of you who do not know me well...let me briefly explain. It's only a croc of shit because we should be this giving and thankful each and everyday.  Too much greed and spending on unnecessary stuff...but I digress.)  

Almost a teenager, moody for sure!

Gman is turning teenage boy before his time.  Well at least that's how I feel.  Where did sweet little innocent Greyson go?  Who dropped off Mr Attitude? The boy who screams, "I hate you!" and then, minutes later, is sweetly whimpering "I love you so much I don't ever want to leave here." Good Lord. Bodies changing, hormones raging, attitudes plentiful, and a range of emotional outbursts to boot.  So there...and now he has taken to telling me, "I am almost a teenager you know."  That's what teenage boys do.  I don't wanna be the crazy screaming mom...although it is tempting at times I realize that would create even more of a monster.  I heard one of the mother's on our street screaming like a banshee at her kid. I thought to myself, If I lived with her I might be tempted to kill her in her sleep. (I know! I know! You are thinkin' that's just freakin' horrible, but...she was being hateful.)  It's moms like her that make me look like Supah-Mom! I love that...Guess I will learn to take deep breaths or some other form of self medicating...oh, did I say that?  I meant meditating.  YOGA here I come!  
If you haven't found Jesus...he is hiding behind the curtain! bahahahahaaa

Home sick with Mr. Pitiful

Life has been somewhat interesting lately.  I am in school, making life slightly more hectic than usual and Greyson seems to be one of two things lately.  Very needy...or pissed at the world and hormonal.  He has been suffering from "I don't want to go to school" syndrome and he came home yesterday saying he didn't feel good.  He did have an upset stomach so I put him in the bed where he stayed until he ate dinner.  Then he headed right back...not normal for him. His stomach acted ugly a few more times so this am we decided to keep him home which means...no going to class for mommy.  UGH...  (Disclaimer-I am old and cannot afford to miss too many lectures of art history for those brain infusions are crucial to my success) Just sayin'...  None the less, we are here and he does seem to be feeling better.  He did however have a crying pitiful moment of I don't want to go to school I just want to spend time with you and momom all of the time.  Later tonight he will reprimand me I am sure for some idiotic moment of embarrassment.  I obviously have them a lot.  I guess turning 11 is when the fun starts.  I always thought it was a teen thing.  I guess pre-teen emotional breakdowns are just the precursor to warm you up as a parent for the fun that follows.  Great...somebody needs to write that darn manual I tell you.  The emotional swings right now are so much fun, the crying, the freaking out, the screaming, the "stop embarrassing me!" Who freakin' knew that breathing or just looking a certain way could be so damn embarrassing?  He may just be getting warmed up but guess what.  I am definitely just getting warmed up on that embarrassing thing.  Jen, I hope you are reading this.  I think we should dye our hair some bright ass color and start showing these 'mini me's'  just how darn embarrassing we can be.  heheheheeee Seriously though, I don't want to push my boy over the edge.  Just maybe to the edge so he can see the other side more clearly.  I do feel sorry for the boy.  He can't help the changes his body is going through.  He is under attack so I guess it's only fair to attack whoever is closest.  I do love him to the whole wide world.  Regardless of his duel personality lately.  (((hugs to my Gman)))  For now, these two moms will buckle up for safety.